Quotes

"...After all, all he did was string together a lot of old well-known quotations."(H.L.Mencken) That's what I'm doing here. For some reason, looking up quotes has become a bit of a hobby of mine; I know, strange. I find comfort in them for some reason. There seems to be quotes for everything, and , for me anyways, seems to give me strength when I face great adversaries in my life. I decided to make a list of some of my favorite quotes, so....here it is. ^_^

"I became insane, with long intervals of horrible sanity."
~Edgar Allen Poe

"Anyone desperate enough for suicide..should be desperate enough to go to creative extreme to solve problems: elope at midnight, stow away on the boat to New Zealand, and start over, do what the always wanted to do but were afraid to try."
~Richard Back

"Some day you'll cry for me like I cried for you,
some day you'll miss me like I missed you,
some day you'll need me like I needed you,
some day you'll love me, but I won't love you"
~unknown

"It's better to keep your mouth shut and give the impression of being stupid rather than opening it and removing all doubt."
~Rami Belson

"Deep into the darkness peering, long I stood there, wondering, fearing, doubting dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared before."
~Edgar Allen Poe

"Love is composed of one soul inhabiting two bodies."
~Aristotle

"Let us endeavor to live that when we die, even the undertaker will be sorry."
~Mark Twain

"Why kill yourself? Life will do it for you."
~unknown

"Love can tear you apart and it can kill you. But it can also bring you back together."
~unknown

"Heaven knows we need never be ashamed of our tears, for they are rain upon the blinding dust of earth, overlying our hard hearts."
~Charles Dickens (Great Expectations)

"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened."
~Dr. Seuss

"You block your dream when you allow your fear grow larger than your faith."
~Mary Mannin MOrrissey

"Faith isn't faith until it's all you're holding onto."
~unknown

Confirmation talk

Well, my youth group leader was asked to go to a confirmation retreat, and to bring two students with me. One of my friends and I was asked. Not gonna lie, I was absolutely terrified...getting up in front of 40+ confirmation students, at least half probably don't want to be there, sharing personal parts of my life for all of them to hear. When I got up I was so nervous, trying to remember why I had agreed. I spoke (a little bit faster than I should have), and gave my speech. It went like this:

"Well, I guess I should tell you a bit about myself first. I live in Lynn, grew up at Our Lady’s in Lynnfield, went to church every Sunday, CCD, and all that fun stuff. In my mind, God existed, Jesus died for me so I wouldn’t have sin, but it didn’t really mean anything. Middle of 8^th grade, I started going to Sacred Heart Youth Group. I went to SnowCAMPS, which is a weekend retreat for 7^th and 8^th graders where I discovered that people actually enjoyed their faith. There was also Steubenville East, which is a retreat for 2400+ teenagers and I first truly experienced adoration, and Soulfest which is a week long Christian music festival; who knew that Christian music spans every genre from rap, to rock, to metal. I also went to CAMPS, which is like SnowCAMPS but is a week long and for highschoolers. Through all these trips, I found God. I found the importance of having him in my life, and it finally connected for me.Well, then I started high school, and things were alright.

As time progressed though, it got harder and harder to keep up with my work, I felt sad a lot, and I just wasn’t me. I had started cutting, and several times, came close to killing myself. I started going to a therapist, but it didn’t seem to help.

My mood went up and down quite a bit, but the worst was the middle of May. I’m homeschooled, but go to classes at a place called New Hope Tutorials twice a week. In May, I had basically stopped going. I would wake up in the morning, afraid to go to classes cause I was so far behind at this point, and I would start to feel sick to my stomach. My mom tried to find help for me, and after one particularly bad cutting episode, I was brought to the Emergency Room for a Mental Health Evaluation. Thinking I wasn’t in any imminent danger, I was sent to a partial-program in Boston where there was group therapy and various things with a bunch of people who also have depression. I decided to call it the DA, depressed anonymous; I thought of it like the AA for depressed people. Anyways, I was there for 2 weeks, had started feeling better, though still not me. Summer started, I went away quite a bit, and for the next month, I had numerous depression episodes where I wasn’t at all myself.

I had stopped feeling God with me around May or April. Before, I felt like I could turn to him and I could feel his presence with me, but now. I felt that He just wasn’t there. Those times where I wasn’t myself, I needed someone with me, but God wasn’t there for me. One time that stands out in particular was when I was laying in bed, paralyzed because I was afraid that if I moved at all, I might do something regrettable. This was my lowest point, and I felt that God wasn’t there anymore. I went to Adoration and felt nothing; I asked for help but got no answer.

At the end of July, I went to Steubenville East, and was surrounded by many teenagers that were so alive in their faith. There was plenty of music, amazing speakers, and lots of prayer. I sang along, clapped, and jumped around with my friends, although my heart wasn't in it. Saturday night adoration…wow... We got into groups of 3 and prayed, and I started sobbing. Well, as soon as the brought the monstrance with the Body of Christ out, I just stopped. People around me were crying, laughing, or a strange mixture of the two because they had been touched by the Holy Spirit. Of course, I have to be weird and start hyperventilating instead... During this, I felt a tingling in my arms and legs, and a strange sensation going through my entire body; I knew that the Holy Spirit was touching me. I suddenly realized that God had never left me; He had been right beside me the entire time, but I had turned my back to him. Then I suddenly thought of something, something that one of my friends had said to me right before Steubenville, that one of the speakers had said, that just kept popping up everywhere; Jesus had died for me so that I could live. He had nails driven through his hands and feet, was tortured, was forced to suffer alone, and he would have done all that even if I was the only person on the Earth. I was overwhelmed by the amount of love He has for me. Even when I thought so low of myself, Jesus still saw me as an amazing person worth dying for. At that moment, wanting to kill myself seemed so ridiculous. After what Jesus did so that I could live…to turn around and try to end it all was like slapping Him.

This new-found love for my Savior had reawakened a thought that I had had nearly a year earlier. I wanted to do missionary work. I wanted to go to the ends of the Earth and show people who had never even heard the name of Jesus the incredibly love He has for them. I went home after Steubenville, and started looking up what I could do missionary wise. If I could, I would have gone that week.

I’m still aiming to do missionary work with my life. I want to go into the medical field, and then go to the most remote and dangerous parts of the world so that I can help people both physically and spiritually. God gave me a love for adventure, so I would be perfect for going out into these parts of the world. Through these trials, God gave me so much strength. I still have trouble with depression, but now I will never forget how much God love me. Plus, now I have a dream to strive for, to spread His love."

I pray that my talk effected some people to do, if only one. Maybe, just maybe, something one that retreat sparked their faith.

Midnight Ponderings

Well, it's midnight, and I was just listening to "You be the anchor that keeps my feet on the ground, I'll be the wings that keep your heart in the Clouds" (longest song title ever) by Mayday Parade. I love the song so much. I don't know what the meaning of the song is, but it gets me thinking; especially one part in particular that goes:"I could stand here for hoursJust to ask God the question, "Is everyone here make-believe?"With a tear in His voiceHe said, "Son, that's the question."Does this deafening silence mean nothingTo no one but me?"I don't know why this part sticks out to me so much, or why it makes me think so much. It just makes me feel like asking God, "Is it all like a dream? Why are we even here?" I realize that the song probably does not have anything to do with that, but I still start thinking that. Why are we here though? There are times where I'm just so sure, and I know that there's a reason for it all, but other times, I just don't understand and it's all a mystery. If there's one thing I took away from CAMPS, it's the storyline, and God is writing our life story, even though we don't know the ending. We were put here for a reason, and it is important. I believe this so thoroughly, but I still have doubts. When I doubt, I begin wondering why we are here. Everyone lives, then dies; everything we do here is only temporary. It's like a dream in a way; it all will fade away, and no matter what we did in the dream, it'll be gone. All the good things we do, like everything else in life, is only temporary. Sometimes, I see no reason for our temporary being.In this life, I may never know why we are here, so I'll have to struggle with that. I cling so desperately to the fact that we are here for a purpose as I try to run away from the doubts. I suppose, all I can do for now is stand here, and ask God "why?", and hope I am not met by a deafening silence.